Forsaken

"Christ was truly forsaken (deserted or abandoned) so I would not have to be."

Matthew 27:45-56 (The Death of Jesus)

From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). When some of those standing there heard this, they said, "He's calling Elijah." Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus to drink. The rest said, "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to save him." 
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had dies were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus' resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people. When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, there were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"
Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joseph, and the mother of Zebedee's sons.

Philippians 1:3

Oh man!! How do I even begin to write about my spring break!?! Well my dear friend Nikki and I flew out to California for our last spring break ever (well mine at least, she is going to be a teacher so she has many more on her horizon) to visit our bestest friends Lindsay and Sammi.

I am so grateful for these girls and the role they have played in my life over the last five years! This was my most refreshing spring break and a awesome change from the last five years where I have gone with the BSU (which were so good but those trips are ones where you need a  vacation from your vacation). I had an relaxing time, even though the 2 hour time difference  was a challenge (wanting to go to bed at 8 pm and waking up at 6:30 am, not normal!!).        

  

There was a combination of crazy and chill! Sammi and Linds graduated last May so they actually have jobs right now and thankfully were able to work around us being there which was great!! We were able to do a lot while we were there. We visited Linds at work a couple times, went shopping, applied for jobs, went to Huntington Beach one day, we helped Church in the Valley get things ready for their Easter egg hunt, watch a movie, went to Dana Pointe and the beach again, sing with noise cancelling headphones (a lot more entertaining then one would think). We ate at In and Out, Islands, Ruby’s, P.F. Changs, and a lot of Pinkberry, as well as cooking meals at home!

            

We might not talk to each other everyday like in the past, or sleep in the same tri-suite like freshman year but we have gone through a lot of life together over the past five years… failure, success, life, death, weddings, break-ups, happiness, sadness, conflict resolution, graduation and whatever the future holds. I know that these ladies are going to be there for me for a long time and I am excited to continue going through life together.

Philippians 1:3 says “I thank my God every time I remember you.”

I Couldn't Do It

How do people do it? 

How to those who are not following Jesus do "it"?

Make life decisions... get married... choose a career...

How do they make it?

I have been watching wayyyy too much Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, and yes I know these are not real people, but episode after episode I think "How do they go each day not having Jesus helping them through these crazy situations?"

The episodes and the characters may not be real but what they are portraying is. There are millions upon millions of people in this world who are going every day without knowing what a relationship with Christ is like. They get married without laboring in praying over "is this is the guy for me," they decide what to do after they get their undergrad without asking Him first, they live life without ever reading one bit of Scripture to help point them in the right direction. That just blows my mind... 

I don't know what has made me think this way but all I know is that if I didn't have Jesus to guide me through life and help me make the "hard decisions" I don't think I would be able to make it. I couldn't do it... Call me weak, call me narrow minded, call me whatever but I never want to know what that situation feels like. 

Now I have been far away from the Lord and done a lot of life on my terms without Him so I think I have a glimpse as to what it would take because I did it this way... a lot of counsel from those you think have it together, a lot of "what is your heart telling you", a lot of "I hope this is going to work out," etc. But I am so thankful that He has always been by my side since I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior in the fifth grade! I have failed Him many, many times but I have never gone through life not knowing who I could turn to when I didn't know which way to go, or what choice to make etc. 

God Continues...

God continues to kick my butt... As a follower of Jesus Christ I can always count on Him to get my attention and show me which way to go, what I am suppose to do, what I am not suppose to do and when I am plain wrong. 
Usually for me when I am not obeying him, he has to let me know more than once because I can be very hard-headed.

This is one of those "plain wrong" times. 
With some of the situations that have happened this school year, I have really taken the wrong outlook. Honestly, I have just held things in and let myself get bitter. Not a very fun characteristic but it is only my doing. I was mad and instead of talking things through and processing through my feelings I just shut up. This year these actions have usually resulted in me taking it out on my sister (because she "always" has to love me). 

Over the last month God has used Scripture, sermons, and conversations to try and get me to see that I was being unfair and plain wrong in my unwillingness to forgive. And it worked in the moment, I would be reminded of my sin and look to change. All good in theory but once I got around the person I was mad at or other people who would be willing to hear me gossip I was right back there.

It took me going all the way out to California for Spring Break for my to turn my heart towards what God had been trying to say for what seems like forever. I went to a small group with my very good friend Lindsay and the topic was forgiveness... What a shocker, just what I needed to hear!! This small group consisted of four older women, all married then Linds and I. We just dove right in. I felt so comfortable and just opened up my heart to these ladies that I just meet (having a relationship with Jesus in common can do that to you). I started telling them how I was struggling to forgive those who had not asked for and getting bitter towards them because of it and how God has been showing me over and over what I needed to do and me blatantly refusing to deal with it in the right way. I talked way more than I should have being the guest haha. They were so encouraging, and let me in. 

A few things I pierced my heart that night and help me turn towards forgiveness:
A quote from Corrie ten Boom "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart."
No erase only God's grace.
I must figure out what I think they rob me of, work on forgiving from there.

I was hit like a hammer, finally, I was going to allow the Holy Spirit to work. I had seen my anger and unforgiving heart spill over into other areas of my life (how I spent my time, my thought life etc) and other relationships (ones that had not done anything to wrong me i.e. my sister). I wanted to change that and work towards imitating Christ and the Holy Spirit was going to have to help me do that. 

I know that the Holy Spirit is going to have to help me each day forgive (maybe even each hour, it is not a one time thing) and change my bitter heart because I can not do it on my own. I have not done it on my own. Just another part of the daily journey with Jesus and I am extremely grateful to be on it!! 

Wake up Call

Man have I been foolish!!
He got my attention. What have I been doing?
What have I not been doing, is the better question.
Trusting The Lord
Not having fear in the future
Relying on His word and love
Praying for His grace and guidence
Staying in the here and now
I have been letting the lies and fear control me.
I got a wake up call on Tuesday from a wise woman, who I respect very much. The Lord used this conversation to really convict me of the way I was getting through life... ON MY OWN.
She shared Psalm 37:3-5 (NASB)

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it."

I can not do life on my own and I was foolish to try it that way. The Lord knew where I was and gave me exactly what I needed... a wake up call. I trust the He is going to do good in my life. I am so thankful that God has place people in my life who are going to push me and challenge me!! I will trust in the Lord and dwell in my last few months in college and continue to cultivate faithfulness!! 
Everyone is given that same opportunity if they let go and let the Lord take control. Try it, it will be the best decision you ever made!!

Weekend

I just want to share about my weekend!
This last week I just dropped the ball in school... I forgot about assignments and didn't do so hot on a test... I was not motivated at all.

Why do you ask am I struggling in school already?

Simple, I am ready to be done already!!

I have not been in the school mindset and I am reaping what I have sown so far. I just don't want to except what is going to come in the next few months.

Already a month into school and I needed a break.. and thank the Lord I got it. This weekend Caitlin and I took a last minute trip HOME! It was a great relaxing weekend away from a messy Martha, campus, homework and all that comes with being in Norman.
Even though I was still asked at least 5 times what my future holds, didn't get the best nights sleep ever and had to hear from my Daddy about "getting my resume out there" I had a great weekend. 
Caitlin and I surprised everyone by coming home (which they say they had their suspicions about) but we still got them I think. Saturday we got to have some Humphrey Family Fun! All six of us took an archery lesson together out in Plano, TX. It was a really cool experience and we all want to go back again!!!

Right after we went to the range, I had an unexpected visit with my best friend and my God-daughter. Besides seeing family, this was probably my favorite part of the weekend. I had no idea when I headed down on Friday that she was going to be in town and I am so thankful that I got to see them in person (it had been since Thanksgiving). Addison has gotten so big!!

 

Addi even gave me kisses! Which was so fun, seeing as she doesn't really know me haha! I am so glad for fun surprises from the Lord like these!

Oh and I GOT A CHEESEHEAD!! Finally I have my own chessehead! My dad went up to Green Bay for my Grandpa's 80th birthday and he brought the whole family back their own!

 

 

It was a fun one, to help get my mind back in the game and remind me to press on towards the goal of graduation. I am thankful for a family and friends that loves me and give me the push I need!!

 

Paul says it really well to the Philippians:

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

 



Freedom

free·dom

[free-duh m]

noun

1. the state of being exempt from external authority, or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint

  

In a "free" country what does having freedom look like to me? Do I really understand that I am free... in Christ?

The Lord has brought this concept and this word across my path on several different occasions in the last month.
 

My pastor and I got together on a Thursday in the middle of January, to sift through my future plans. This was the first time I heard it and this is what he said to me:

I have freedom to make a decision.

"I can plan but it only happens because God allows; fight against the myth of control, it is my job to be free."

My decision in May 2013 might not be my decision in November 2013 or February 2014. I am not deciding the rest of my life.

 

Three days later at church Andy spoke about Galatians 5, which the title of first 15 verses is "Freedom in Christ."

He said that freedom is getting to fulfill our desires.

He asked the question at the very end of the service: What would it look like in my life it I were free?

Hearing this immediately brought me back to the conversation we had prior.

 

Two weeks later at Paradigm Church, Nick Cooper was talking about Greatness. He talked about being staying on the path that is marked out for me and the fact that:

 Freedom does not equal Chaos and Order does not equal Bad. If I stay on the path I am free and freedom brings God glory.

I just lost it. I have never felt so defeating in my thinking before. I told myself "I need to stop thinking about my choices needing to be perfect. God has given me freedom in him to stay in Norman, go to Fort Worth, or even trek out to Cali."

 

Last night at ReGroup I approached Andy about this concept again. I said that I was just having a hard time wrapping my mind around picking one and it ending up ok.

Again he told me that I just need to pick. He told me that if one of my options were not wise he would have let me know. He reminded me that the worst thing that can happen is I figure out it wasn't the right thing and I make a change from there.

 

I have had the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that I can choose. Maybe I am just not trusting myself enough. Trusting who I am in God and how he has shaped me over the last 23 years, to allow me to make this kind of decision and make a good one.

It is not like God has never given me opportunities like this to trust Him before. My sophomore year, I chose between Project Impact in Cali or Denver (which once I decided on Denver I knew it was right). This past summer I had to choose between Cambo or Israel (and I got neither).

 

I can say I think this decision is so much harder for me because it is my future. After going to Devner, I still had school. Same with this past summer, I still had another year of classes left. I was not changing the course of my life in those decisions. But the one thing I keep coming back to is TRUST!

Am I going to trust that I can not mess up what the Lord has for me? He is bigger than any decision I make or am going to make. Am I going to trust that His will is better then anything I could come up with on my own?

 

 

Galatains 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

 

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."