Exhausted

It is 5:42 in the morning and I am up! WHAT THE HECK??? 
Capstone really has messed up my sleeping patterns.
Exhausted does not even begin to cover how I have been feeling... 
With no sleep comes a whirlwind of emotions. 
I don't know if I can sum up the amount of things I am feeling at this point in my life.

20 Days...

TWENTY DAYS!! 
What can you do in 20 days?

In the next 20 days I will be giving two presentations (for capstone), taking one last math test and two finals, packing up my belongings, hosting a bridal shower, graduating from the University of Oklahoma and moving on to the next chapter of this thing called life.

I am ready to be done but I do not feel ready for the change. 
I think about all the things that will be different and I get excited and nervous at the same time. I do not know what it is going to be like back in Fort Worth, or how long I will be there. I do not know a lot after May 11, 2013. Up until this point in my life I have always known what comes next. I knew after high school I was going to OU, after sophomore year I was going to Project, after Cambodia I had three more semesters left. 

But after college is a whole other story. I know where I want to end up but I do not know details. I do not know the journey that I will take to get to the end. 

I guess I have never known the journey... If I really think about it when I came to OU I had no idea what would happen over the next four years (which turned into five... something I did not anticipate my freshman year). I could not have even guessed that I would go through some of the ups and downs I have over the last five years, but when you choose a path you do not choose because you know. 

I make the choices that I do not because the journey is laid out for me, but because I know who is guiding me along the path. I did not decide to come to OU, spend my summer is Denver or my Christmas break in Cambodia based on what I knew would happen but solely on the fact that I knew it was the next thing the Lord had on my journey. 

As I start packing and getting ready to leave Norman in the next 20 days I putting one foot in front of the other on the journey that the Lord continues to have me on. 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plan I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

My future is coming in 20 days and I must remember to be excited for this part of the journey because it has been set in place by the one who knows the plans of my life!!!

Two Weeks...

I never wanted to forget, I was different than before. I had changed. The Lord had changed me. I knew this was the path I wanted to be on, I was suppose to be on. I was going to go back, someday. 

But I have forgotten... Sadly! I have forgotten the names and faces and stories of those I got to know over those two weeks. 

I went to Bangkok, Thailand for two weeks after my senior year of high school and it completely changed how I saw my relationship with The Lord, myself and the world. I was two month away from heading off to college and I wanted to start the next chapter of my life with a bang. I had made a conscience decision to take my relationship with The Lord more serious and this trip was going to help. 

Now I can not sit here and say that my motives for going on this trip were all pure but nonetheless God still worked, and I am so grateful that he did. This trip helped shape the course of my college career not just in my Faith but also in the classroom. 

It was because I got to see a third world country and experience what it is like to not be able to drink water out of the tap for fear of what it will do to you (always having to pay for a bottle of water gets expensive), that I chose environmental engineering as my major. I wanted to get a degree that would allow me to go back and help those who did not have the things that I had/have taken for granted (clean water and sanitation).

I got to college and had never felt so forgiven and loved before. I had many things that I had to work through with The Lord's help but I was ready to tackle them. I knew that I was never alone. I was able to look back on the years between making the decision to follow God in the 5th grade and my Senior year and see how Jesus was with me, how He protected me, how He guided me, how He loved me even when I did not understand or acknowledge Him. 

This summer will be five years since I returned from that life changing trip and I have forgotten. It seems like it has been a life time since I left my family and traveled all the way across the world for the first time. 

I think having been overseas since that summer played a part. I went to Cambodia. Just stepping into the airport. Getting a smell of the country was familiar and reminded me of my first time to Southeast Asia but I still couldn't "remember." The smell could not bring back the names and the precise growth that the Lord did in me.

This might come as a huge shocker to some of you but I had kept up with a journal at this point in my life. It is sad that I do not have a lot written down about what the Lord was doing in me and the things that happened while I was in Thailand. I only have pictures to capture the moments, which is great, don't get me wrong!

The song below is a song one of dear friends told me about my freshman year of college. I was (what felt like) on top of the world and this song by Caedmon's Call really hit home for me. I had just gotten back from a overseas trip. I left my heart there. I wanted to bring clean water to others. I even changed the lyrics when I sang it and instead of Africa, I sang Thailand!!

I wanted this song to be a reminder for me. I heard this song today for the first time in a good two years and it was a reminder. A reminder of what I didn't remember. 

Johannesburg to Capetown,
the plane had barely touched down.
She was taking photo for friends back home. 
This was always where she felt her heart belonged.
She was finally here,
the sky bright and clear

(Two weeks....)
And we all can feel the calling.
(Two weeks....)
to make the world a little smaller.
And so a girl got on a plane,
for two weeks in Africa [Thailand].

Johannesburg to Houston,
she came home on a mountain.
But school was starting, things kept moving on.
Before she knew it, seven years had gone.
She found a picture of her,
standing, smiling,
arms around the starving kids.
She swore not to forget,
she swore not to forget...

(Two weeks....)
And we all can feel the calling.
(Two weeks....)
to make the world a little smaller.
And so a girl got on a plane,
for two weeks in Africa [Thailand].

And if we follow our dear sun
to where the stars are not familiar.
Faces turn to numbers,
numbers fall like manna from the sky.
Why, oh why?
Oh Father, why?

One village in Malawi now has water running pure and clean.
One church alive in Kenya's full of truth and love and medicine.
We put the walls up, but Jesus keeps them standing.
He doesn't need us, but He lets us put our hands in.
So we can see, His love is bigger than you and me.

(Two weeks....)
And we all can feel the calling.
(Two weeks....)
to make the world a little smaller.
And so a girl got on a plane,
for two weeks in Africa [Thailand].

I am so thankful for the experience that I had in Thailand and the lessons The Lord taught me and the woman He grew me into through that time. I do not write this as a "pity party" post. But to say, it is easy to forget and move on from the things that shape you, make you who you are. Do what you can to keep those memories in your mind, allow The Lord to continue to use those experiences to shape who you are in Him even if it is has been seven years. I know I want to!! You have to allow him to!!

Philippians 1:6 says "Being confident of this, that he who been a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Forsaken

"Christ was truly forsaken (deserted or abandoned) so I would not have to be."

Matthew 27:45-56 (The Death of Jesus)

From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). When some of those standing there heard this, they said, "He's calling Elijah." Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus to drink. The rest said, "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to save him." 
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had dies were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus' resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people. When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, there were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"
Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joseph, and the mother of Zebedee's sons.

Philippians 1:3

Oh man!! How do I even begin to write about my spring break!?! Well my dear friend Nikki and I flew out to California for our last spring break ever (well mine at least, she is going to be a teacher so she has many more on her horizon) to visit our bestest friends Lindsay and Sammi.

I am so grateful for these girls and the role they have played in my life over the last five years! This was my most refreshing spring break and a awesome change from the last five years where I have gone with the BSU (which were so good but those trips are ones where you need a  vacation from your vacation). I had an relaxing time, even though the 2 hour time difference  was a challenge (wanting to go to bed at 8 pm and waking up at 6:30 am, not normal!!).        

  

There was a combination of crazy and chill! Sammi and Linds graduated last May so they actually have jobs right now and thankfully were able to work around us being there which was great!! We were able to do a lot while we were there. We visited Linds at work a couple times, went shopping, applied for jobs, went to Huntington Beach one day, we helped Church in the Valley get things ready for their Easter egg hunt, watch a movie, went to Dana Pointe and the beach again, sing with noise cancelling headphones (a lot more entertaining then one would think). We ate at In and Out, Islands, Ruby’s, P.F. Changs, and a lot of Pinkberry, as well as cooking meals at home!

            

We might not talk to each other everyday like in the past, or sleep in the same tri-suite like freshman year but we have gone through a lot of life together over the past five years… failure, success, life, death, weddings, break-ups, happiness, sadness, conflict resolution, graduation and whatever the future holds. I know that these ladies are going to be there for me for a long time and I am excited to continue going through life together.

Philippians 1:3 says “I thank my God every time I remember you.”

I Couldn't Do It

How do people do it? 

How to those who are not following Jesus do "it"?

Make life decisions... get married... choose a career...

How do they make it?

I have been watching wayyyy too much Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, and yes I know these are not real people, but episode after episode I think "How do they go each day not having Jesus helping them through these crazy situations?"

The episodes and the characters may not be real but what they are portraying is. There are millions upon millions of people in this world who are going every day without knowing what a relationship with Christ is like. They get married without laboring in praying over "is this is the guy for me," they decide what to do after they get their undergrad without asking Him first, they live life without ever reading one bit of Scripture to help point them in the right direction. That just blows my mind... 

I don't know what has made me think this way but all I know is that if I didn't have Jesus to guide me through life and help me make the "hard decisions" I don't think I would be able to make it. I couldn't do it... Call me weak, call me narrow minded, call me whatever but I never want to know what that situation feels like. 

Now I have been far away from the Lord and done a lot of life on my terms without Him so I think I have a glimpse as to what it would take because I did it this way... a lot of counsel from those you think have it together, a lot of "what is your heart telling you", a lot of "I hope this is going to work out," etc. But I am so thankful that He has always been by my side since I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior in the fifth grade! I have failed Him many, many times but I have never gone through life not knowing who I could turn to when I didn't know which way to go, or what choice to make etc. 

God Continues...

God continues to kick my butt... As a follower of Jesus Christ I can always count on Him to get my attention and show me which way to go, what I am suppose to do, what I am not suppose to do and when I am plain wrong. 
Usually for me when I am not obeying him, he has to let me know more than once because I can be very hard-headed.

This is one of those "plain wrong" times. 
With some of the situations that have happened this school year, I have really taken the wrong outlook. Honestly, I have just held things in and let myself get bitter. Not a very fun characteristic but it is only my doing. I was mad and instead of talking things through and processing through my feelings I just shut up. This year these actions have usually resulted in me taking it out on my sister (because she "always" has to love me). 

Over the last month God has used Scripture, sermons, and conversations to try and get me to see that I was being unfair and plain wrong in my unwillingness to forgive. And it worked in the moment, I would be reminded of my sin and look to change. All good in theory but once I got around the person I was mad at or other people who would be willing to hear me gossip I was right back there.

It took me going all the way out to California for Spring Break for my to turn my heart towards what God had been trying to say for what seems like forever. I went to a small group with my very good friend Lindsay and the topic was forgiveness... What a shocker, just what I needed to hear!! This small group consisted of four older women, all married then Linds and I. We just dove right in. I felt so comfortable and just opened up my heart to these ladies that I just meet (having a relationship with Jesus in common can do that to you). I started telling them how I was struggling to forgive those who had not asked for and getting bitter towards them because of it and how God has been showing me over and over what I needed to do and me blatantly refusing to deal with it in the right way. I talked way more than I should have being the guest haha. They were so encouraging, and let me in. 

A few things I pierced my heart that night and help me turn towards forgiveness:
A quote from Corrie ten Boom "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart."
No erase only God's grace.
I must figure out what I think they rob me of, work on forgiving from there.

I was hit like a hammer, finally, I was going to allow the Holy Spirit to work. I had seen my anger and unforgiving heart spill over into other areas of my life (how I spent my time, my thought life etc) and other relationships (ones that had not done anything to wrong me i.e. my sister). I wanted to change that and work towards imitating Christ and the Holy Spirit was going to have to help me do that. 

I know that the Holy Spirit is going to have to help me each day forgive (maybe even each hour, it is not a one time thing) and change my bitter heart because I can not do it on my own. I have not done it on my own. Just another part of the daily journey with Jesus and I am extremely grateful to be on it!!