Forsaken

"Christ was truly forsaken (deserted or abandoned) so I would not have to be."

Matthew 27:45-56 (The Death of Jesus)

From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). When some of those standing there heard this, they said, "He's calling Elijah." Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus to drink. The rest said, "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to save him." 
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had dies were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus' resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people. When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, there were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"
Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joseph, and the mother of Zebedee's sons.

Philippians 1:3

Oh man!! How do I even begin to write about my spring break!?! Well my dear friend Nikki and I flew out to California for our last spring break ever (well mine at least, she is going to be a teacher so she has many more on her horizon) to visit our bestest friends Lindsay and Sammi.

I am so grateful for these girls and the role they have played in my life over the last five years! This was my most refreshing spring break and a awesome change from the last five years where I have gone with the BSU (which were so good but those trips are ones where you need a  vacation from your vacation). I had an relaxing time, even though the 2 hour time difference  was a challenge (wanting to go to bed at 8 pm and waking up at 6:30 am, not normal!!).        

  

There was a combination of crazy and chill! Sammi and Linds graduated last May so they actually have jobs right now and thankfully were able to work around us being there which was great!! We were able to do a lot while we were there. We visited Linds at work a couple times, went shopping, applied for jobs, went to Huntington Beach one day, we helped Church in the Valley get things ready for their Easter egg hunt, watch a movie, went to Dana Pointe and the beach again, sing with noise cancelling headphones (a lot more entertaining then one would think). We ate at In and Out, Islands, Ruby’s, P.F. Changs, and a lot of Pinkberry, as well as cooking meals at home!

            

We might not talk to each other everyday like in the past, or sleep in the same tri-suite like freshman year but we have gone through a lot of life together over the past five years… failure, success, life, death, weddings, break-ups, happiness, sadness, conflict resolution, graduation and whatever the future holds. I know that these ladies are going to be there for me for a long time and I am excited to continue going through life together.

Philippians 1:3 says “I thank my God every time I remember you.”

I Couldn't Do It

How do people do it? 

How to those who are not following Jesus do "it"?

Make life decisions... get married... choose a career...

How do they make it?

I have been watching wayyyy too much Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, and yes I know these are not real people, but episode after episode I think "How do they go each day not having Jesus helping them through these crazy situations?"

The episodes and the characters may not be real but what they are portraying is. There are millions upon millions of people in this world who are going every day without knowing what a relationship with Christ is like. They get married without laboring in praying over "is this is the guy for me," they decide what to do after they get their undergrad without asking Him first, they live life without ever reading one bit of Scripture to help point them in the right direction. That just blows my mind... 

I don't know what has made me think this way but all I know is that if I didn't have Jesus to guide me through life and help me make the "hard decisions" I don't think I would be able to make it. I couldn't do it... Call me weak, call me narrow minded, call me whatever but I never want to know what that situation feels like. 

Now I have been far away from the Lord and done a lot of life on my terms without Him so I think I have a glimpse as to what it would take because I did it this way... a lot of counsel from those you think have it together, a lot of "what is your heart telling you", a lot of "I hope this is going to work out," etc. But I am so thankful that He has always been by my side since I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior in the fifth grade! I have failed Him many, many times but I have never gone through life not knowing who I could turn to when I didn't know which way to go, or what choice to make etc. 

God Continues...

God continues to kick my butt... As a follower of Jesus Christ I can always count on Him to get my attention and show me which way to go, what I am suppose to do, what I am not suppose to do and when I am plain wrong. 
Usually for me when I am not obeying him, he has to let me know more than once because I can be very hard-headed.

This is one of those "plain wrong" times. 
With some of the situations that have happened this school year, I have really taken the wrong outlook. Honestly, I have just held things in and let myself get bitter. Not a very fun characteristic but it is only my doing. I was mad and instead of talking things through and processing through my feelings I just shut up. This year these actions have usually resulted in me taking it out on my sister (because she "always" has to love me). 

Over the last month God has used Scripture, sermons, and conversations to try and get me to see that I was being unfair and plain wrong in my unwillingness to forgive. And it worked in the moment, I would be reminded of my sin and look to change. All good in theory but once I got around the person I was mad at or other people who would be willing to hear me gossip I was right back there.

It took me going all the way out to California for Spring Break for my to turn my heart towards what God had been trying to say for what seems like forever. I went to a small group with my very good friend Lindsay and the topic was forgiveness... What a shocker, just what I needed to hear!! This small group consisted of four older women, all married then Linds and I. We just dove right in. I felt so comfortable and just opened up my heart to these ladies that I just meet (having a relationship with Jesus in common can do that to you). I started telling them how I was struggling to forgive those who had not asked for and getting bitter towards them because of it and how God has been showing me over and over what I needed to do and me blatantly refusing to deal with it in the right way. I talked way more than I should have being the guest haha. They were so encouraging, and let me in. 

A few things I pierced my heart that night and help me turn towards forgiveness:
A quote from Corrie ten Boom "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart."
No erase only God's grace.
I must figure out what I think they rob me of, work on forgiving from there.

I was hit like a hammer, finally, I was going to allow the Holy Spirit to work. I had seen my anger and unforgiving heart spill over into other areas of my life (how I spent my time, my thought life etc) and other relationships (ones that had not done anything to wrong me i.e. my sister). I wanted to change that and work towards imitating Christ and the Holy Spirit was going to have to help me do that. 

I know that the Holy Spirit is going to have to help me each day forgive (maybe even each hour, it is not a one time thing) and change my bitter heart because I can not do it on my own. I have not done it on my own. Just another part of the daily journey with Jesus and I am extremely grateful to be on it!! 

Wake up Call

Man have I been foolish!!
He got my attention. What have I been doing?
What have I not been doing, is the better question.
Trusting The Lord
Not having fear in the future
Relying on His word and love
Praying for His grace and guidence
Staying in the here and now
I have been letting the lies and fear control me.
I got a wake up call on Tuesday from a wise woman, who I respect very much. The Lord used this conversation to really convict me of the way I was getting through life... ON MY OWN.
She shared Psalm 37:3-5 (NASB)

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it."

I can not do life on my own and I was foolish to try it that way. The Lord knew where I was and gave me exactly what I needed... a wake up call. I trust the He is going to do good in my life. I am so thankful that God has place people in my life who are going to push me and challenge me!! I will trust in the Lord and dwell in my last few months in college and continue to cultivate faithfulness!! 
Everyone is given that same opportunity if they let go and let the Lord take control. Try it, it will be the best decision you ever made!!