I Couldn't Do It

How do people do it? 

How to those who are not following Jesus do "it"?

Make life decisions... get married... choose a career...

How do they make it?

I have been watching wayyyy too much Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, and yes I know these are not real people, but episode after episode I think "How do they go each day not having Jesus helping them through these crazy situations?"

The episodes and the characters may not be real but what they are portraying is. There are millions upon millions of people in this world who are going every day without knowing what a relationship with Christ is like. They get married without laboring in praying over "is this is the guy for me," they decide what to do after they get their undergrad without asking Him first, they live life without ever reading one bit of Scripture to help point them in the right direction. That just blows my mind... 

I don't know what has made me think this way but all I know is that if I didn't have Jesus to guide me through life and help me make the "hard decisions" I don't think I would be able to make it. I couldn't do it... Call me weak, call me narrow minded, call me whatever but I never want to know what that situation feels like. 

Now I have been far away from the Lord and done a lot of life on my terms without Him so I think I have a glimpse as to what it would take because I did it this way... a lot of counsel from those you think have it together, a lot of "what is your heart telling you", a lot of "I hope this is going to work out," etc. But I am so thankful that He has always been by my side since I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior in the fifth grade! I have failed Him many, many times but I have never gone through life not knowing who I could turn to when I didn't know which way to go, or what choice to make etc. 

God Continues...

God continues to kick my butt... As a follower of Jesus Christ I can always count on Him to get my attention and show me which way to go, what I am suppose to do, what I am not suppose to do and when I am plain wrong. 
Usually for me when I am not obeying him, he has to let me know more than once because I can be very hard-headed.

This is one of those "plain wrong" times. 
With some of the situations that have happened this school year, I have really taken the wrong outlook. Honestly, I have just held things in and let myself get bitter. Not a very fun characteristic but it is only my doing. I was mad and instead of talking things through and processing through my feelings I just shut up. This year these actions have usually resulted in me taking it out on my sister (because she "always" has to love me). 

Over the last month God has used Scripture, sermons, and conversations to try and get me to see that I was being unfair and plain wrong in my unwillingness to forgive. And it worked in the moment, I would be reminded of my sin and look to change. All good in theory but once I got around the person I was mad at or other people who would be willing to hear me gossip I was right back there.

It took me going all the way out to California for Spring Break for my to turn my heart towards what God had been trying to say for what seems like forever. I went to a small group with my very good friend Lindsay and the topic was forgiveness... What a shocker, just what I needed to hear!! This small group consisted of four older women, all married then Linds and I. We just dove right in. I felt so comfortable and just opened up my heart to these ladies that I just meet (having a relationship with Jesus in common can do that to you). I started telling them how I was struggling to forgive those who had not asked for and getting bitter towards them because of it and how God has been showing me over and over what I needed to do and me blatantly refusing to deal with it in the right way. I talked way more than I should have being the guest haha. They were so encouraging, and let me in. 

A few things I pierced my heart that night and help me turn towards forgiveness:
A quote from Corrie ten Boom "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart."
No erase only God's grace.
I must figure out what I think they rob me of, work on forgiving from there.

I was hit like a hammer, finally, I was going to allow the Holy Spirit to work. I had seen my anger and unforgiving heart spill over into other areas of my life (how I spent my time, my thought life etc) and other relationships (ones that had not done anything to wrong me i.e. my sister). I wanted to change that and work towards imitating Christ and the Holy Spirit was going to have to help me do that. 

I know that the Holy Spirit is going to have to help me each day forgive (maybe even each hour, it is not a one time thing) and change my bitter heart because I can not do it on my own. I have not done it on my own. Just another part of the daily journey with Jesus and I am extremely grateful to be on it!! 

Wake up Call

Man have I been foolish!!
He got my attention. What have I been doing?
What have I not been doing, is the better question.
Trusting The Lord
Not having fear in the future
Relying on His word and love
Praying for His grace and guidence
Staying in the here and now
I have been letting the lies and fear control me.
I got a wake up call on Tuesday from a wise woman, who I respect very much. The Lord used this conversation to really convict me of the way I was getting through life... ON MY OWN.
She shared Psalm 37:3-5 (NASB)

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it."

I can not do life on my own and I was foolish to try it that way. The Lord knew where I was and gave me exactly what I needed... a wake up call. I trust the He is going to do good in my life. I am so thankful that God has place people in my life who are going to push me and challenge me!! I will trust in the Lord and dwell in my last few months in college and continue to cultivate faithfulness!! 
Everyone is given that same opportunity if they let go and let the Lord take control. Try it, it will be the best decision you ever made!!

Weekend

I just want to share about my weekend!
This last week I just dropped the ball in school... I forgot about assignments and didn't do so hot on a test... I was not motivated at all.

Why do you ask am I struggling in school already?

Simple, I am ready to be done already!!

I have not been in the school mindset and I am reaping what I have sown so far. I just don't want to except what is going to come in the next few months.

Already a month into school and I needed a break.. and thank the Lord I got it. This weekend Caitlin and I took a last minute trip HOME! It was a great relaxing weekend away from a messy Martha, campus, homework and all that comes with being in Norman.
Even though I was still asked at least 5 times what my future holds, didn't get the best nights sleep ever and had to hear from my Daddy about "getting my resume out there" I had a great weekend. 
Caitlin and I surprised everyone by coming home (which they say they had their suspicions about) but we still got them I think. Saturday we got to have some Humphrey Family Fun! All six of us took an archery lesson together out in Plano, TX. It was a really cool experience and we all want to go back again!!!

Right after we went to the range, I had an unexpected visit with my best friend and my God-daughter. Besides seeing family, this was probably my favorite part of the weekend. I had no idea when I headed down on Friday that she was going to be in town and I am so thankful that I got to see them in person (it had been since Thanksgiving). Addison has gotten so big!!

 

Addi even gave me kisses! Which was so fun, seeing as she doesn't really know me haha! I am so glad for fun surprises from the Lord like these!

Oh and I GOT A CHEESEHEAD!! Finally I have my own chessehead! My dad went up to Green Bay for my Grandpa's 80th birthday and he brought the whole family back their own!

 

 

It was a fun one, to help get my mind back in the game and remind me to press on towards the goal of graduation. I am thankful for a family and friends that loves me and give me the push I need!!

 

Paul says it really well to the Philippians:

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

 



Freedom

free·dom

[free-duh m]

noun

1. the state of being exempt from external authority, or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint

  

In a "free" country what does having freedom look like to me? Do I really understand that I am free... in Christ?

The Lord has brought this concept and this word across my path on several different occasions in the last month.
 

My pastor and I got together on a Thursday in the middle of January, to sift through my future plans. This was the first time I heard it and this is what he said to me:

I have freedom to make a decision.

"I can plan but it only happens because God allows; fight against the myth of control, it is my job to be free."

My decision in May 2013 might not be my decision in November 2013 or February 2014. I am not deciding the rest of my life.

 

Three days later at church Andy spoke about Galatians 5, which the title of first 15 verses is "Freedom in Christ."

He said that freedom is getting to fulfill our desires.

He asked the question at the very end of the service: What would it look like in my life it I were free?

Hearing this immediately brought me back to the conversation we had prior.

 

Two weeks later at Paradigm Church, Nick Cooper was talking about Greatness. He talked about being staying on the path that is marked out for me and the fact that:

 Freedom does not equal Chaos and Order does not equal Bad. If I stay on the path I am free and freedom brings God glory.

I just lost it. I have never felt so defeating in my thinking before. I told myself "I need to stop thinking about my choices needing to be perfect. God has given me freedom in him to stay in Norman, go to Fort Worth, or even trek out to Cali."

 

Last night at ReGroup I approached Andy about this concept again. I said that I was just having a hard time wrapping my mind around picking one and it ending up ok.

Again he told me that I just need to pick. He told me that if one of my options were not wise he would have let me know. He reminded me that the worst thing that can happen is I figure out it wasn't the right thing and I make a change from there.

 

I have had the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that I can choose. Maybe I am just not trusting myself enough. Trusting who I am in God and how he has shaped me over the last 23 years, to allow me to make this kind of decision and make a good one.

It is not like God has never given me opportunities like this to trust Him before. My sophomore year, I chose between Project Impact in Cali or Denver (which once I decided on Denver I knew it was right). This past summer I had to choose between Cambo or Israel (and I got neither).

 

I can say I think this decision is so much harder for me because it is my future. After going to Devner, I still had school. Same with this past summer, I still had another year of classes left. I was not changing the course of my life in those decisions. But the one thing I keep coming back to is TRUST!

Am I going to trust that I can not mess up what the Lord has for me? He is bigger than any decision I make or am going to make. Am I going to trust that His will is better then anything I could come up with on my own?

 

 

Galatains 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

 

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." 

Quitting

The basketball team in the eighth grade... The only thing I can remember quiting in life... until now. I hated basketball! I did not excel at it. My coach was an ex-Green Bay Packers lineman (Just imagine how much bigger he looks to a middle schooler, he was a scary man) and I was glad to be done with it when I quit.

This the same feeling I have now. I just put in my two weeks at the Alumni Outreach Program. I have been with this program for over two years and I am finally leaving. Now there are many things that have gone into this...  but this most prevalent factor is... I am in my last semester of school which starts CAPSTONE... dun dun dun!!
Since our team dove into the first round of papers in our second day of class I have spent over 25 hours working on capstone already, which to me means it is not going to get any lighter. Hence no more job!

It is such a relief and I have a peace about it! I know this is what the Lord wants from me. I now have the freedom to go home on the weekends and hang out with friends in the evenings. I am blessed that this semester I do not have to work and I can just focus on school, family and friends!!

It is going to be fun and challenging to see how I use this new found time wisely and to honor the Lord. I just hope I can be productive with it and not waste the free time that I have now!! Pray for me in that, please! 

Recap

2012. What a year!!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

One of my life verses, continues to ring true with each stage of life I go through. This last month and a half have grown me more than most times in my life. I am not saying I handled everything right, what I am saying is that the Lord is doing a work in me.
I have learned (am still learning) about meekness, holding my tongue, making good decisions, how to love others, trusting the Lord, and just what it means to be Christ-like. Each adventure the Lord brought my way in 2012 taught me something about being more like Him and loving people! Not all of them were fun to go through but they were all worth it.

 

 

I spent the beginning of 2012 across the world in another country. Learning some amazing lesson of faith and love. I was reminded that God is the same here and there and that He is working, even without me, to save the souls of my friends. I am so grateful for this experience and absolutely love the people that I got to share it with!

 

After coming back from overseas I had to turn around and make a decision for my summer plans. Was I was going to go overseas again with the same organization or branch out on my own and try to go back to the same country. I really struggled in making the wisest decision. I was afraid that I was going to miss God's best for me. This started a month long endeavor of seeking council, praying and really just trusting that God was going to help me decide.

 

I was honored with being a bridesmaid in one of my best friend's wedding as well as being apart of my roommate's wedding day!! I got to really see all that goes into planning and making one special day happen (I was clueless before Nikki and Alyssa got hitched). It was an honor to see God be glorified on each of their days and I am excited as they each get to celebrate their one year in 2013. I know from watching these ladies what I want my future marriage to entail!!

 

I also had the privilege of serving a dear friend, Mrs. Mace at her wedding in December. She has loved me and challenged me over the last three years in my relationships with others as well as my relationship with the Lord and I am so excited that the Lord has given her a man!!

All these ladies have been a great example to me in how to honor God and keep Christ the center of a relationship, in the good and even the hardships. I am so thankful that I can call these ladies my friends.

 

 

 

 

So I already talked about having to decide what my summer was going to look like and man I had no idea what the Lord really had planned for me. I ended up staying in Norman for the summer, training for a new supervisor position. THIS WAS NO WHERE CLOSE TO GOING OVERSEAS LIKE I HAD PLANNED. God used this summer to allow me to make new relationship with my co-workers and really just love them. I am so grateful and now that it is 2013 I am still seeing the benefits of staying in America!!

 

There were other benefits to staying in America over the summer. With my co-workers I got to run in a Color Me Rad 5K, which we did not actually run but had a blast walking, talking, and getting blasted with color. We went to get food afterwards at IHOP and it was a hoot seeing the look on people's faces when we walked in!

We were a mess and a half!! I most definitely want to do this race again at some point in my life!

 

One of the biggest adventures of the summer was getting to go to Budapest, Hungary with my Daddy. I wish I would have written an individual post about it back in July but I didn't so here is a little taste of what we got to do. First off, we walked everywhere which was great because we got to see all the sights as we went but also rough because we were not use to it haha. We actually met a couple from Fort Worth, TX while we were at lunch one day. It is so true when people say it's a small world.

We went to Parliament, the Chain Bridge and many other places that I am drawing a blank on the names!! It is such a blessing that my dad does what he does (working with Edward Jones) and that he has the opportunity to go overseas and take his daughter with him!! While I was there I fell in love with all the amazing doors and took way too many pictures!! It was an amazing experience. I am glad I got to go with my Daddy!

 

School started back in August for my last year of college and I got to be there for Caitlin's first day at OU which was so fun! She transferred up to OU from Fort Worth and we live together. It is so fun to get to do life with my Sissy. We are sisters which entails not always getting along but I love her none-the-less and I am so thankful that she is here with me. Watching her grow in her relationship with the Lord, making it her own, and help her through life when she asks (and sometime when she doesn't) has been a privilege up to this point! She is a lovely woman of God!

At the end of fall semester I got to see one of my best friends graduate from the College of Education, while another was making plans to go live overseas for two years. I am thankful to call these girls my heart-friends and I am so excited to see what the Lord does in and through both of these girls as they move on to two very different stages of life. They are a great example of what it means to trust the Lord and I am constantly looking to them as Godly examples!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I am so grateful for all the new friends I have also made this year. I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to grow those friendships in 2013. I know some of these friendship are going to bloom while others will fade but I know that each person was brought into my life for a reason and they are all going to teach me something whether I know it or not. In 2013 I need to remember to thank my Lord for each of these people. They are blessing to me whether I see it now or not.

My Fun Fact for 2012: CATAN is SO fun!! Became just a little... ok A LOT obsessed with this game. My sissy and I were even able to get our family to buy it as a Christmas present so that all six of us could play it together!! We came home one day BEFORE Christmas to find that Dad had already set it up for Caitlin and I to help them learn how to play! It was SO fun!

These are just a few of the things that God brought into my life in 2012. Now that 2013 is underway, what things are going to come my way!!?? Lets go Lord!