Happy Birthday Jesus

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Thank you for coming as a man to live and eventually die for me!

Things Promised

I have been reading a book called Money Possessions and Eternity by Randy Alcorn for the Antioch Project that I am starting in January but doing my reading for now. 

What is the Antioch Project you ask?? Good questions... I would be asking myself the same thing if I didn't already know. Well the Antioch Project is a five year intentional ministry training program offered by the Hope Global Network for those who believe God is calling them to vocational ministry or key lay leadership roles. One key thing that makes this training different from say going to seminary is that the Antioch Project using not only classroom training but also hands-on, character shaping and leadership skills forming training through personal study, hands-on training in ministry and mentoring/coaching in ministry. 

You should look into it here!!

Back to the book. In chapter 11: The Pilgrim Mentality, he makes such a simple but mind blowing statement about not being at home in this world. "Abraham didn't know where he was going but he knew with whom he was going. He was able to live in this world and not receive the things promised knowing there was an eternity in which promises would be fulfilled and a city awaiting him as far superior to an earthly city as its Architect and Builder is superior to men (page 164)." 

I do not know where my life is going to end up 40 years from now and I have not be promised anything specific from the Lord at this point in my life but I do know just like Abraham that I am on the journey with Jesus. 
When I read those two sentences I immediately thought of getting married someday. What little girl doesn't dream of getting married to her knight in shining armor one day, it is ingrained into us as young girls. Now as I have gotten older I have learned that Prince Charming does not exists outside of Disney and I can not hold on to a promise that has never actually been made to me (I do not know if this is something the Lord is going to grant me) but getting married is a desire of mine and I know that He wants to give us the desires of our heart (Psalms 37:4). The sections that I underlined was the kicker. Am I able to be completely content in this world knowing that marriage, children, etc. might not come BUT someday eternity will fulfill me far more than I ever could have thought??? 

How _______ is that to grasp? The things of this world: getting married, family, friends, love, joy, and the things we accumulate can never satisfy us like eternity with God will one day. Am I living by faith in God and not the things that I have or might have in the future? I want to sit here and be able to write that I would be content and OK in the life if I did not get married and that my desire is just that a desire BUT sadly I think for a long time I have expected that one day I will get married and have a family. I date with the expectation that God will allow one fellow to stick around. I don't think I have ever really thought about the fact that I could NOT get married and be single for the rest of my life.... WOW! What a simple and real revelation!! 

I AM NOT PROMISED A HUSBAND! 
I am promised that God is going to love me and be by my side for the rest of my life and into eternity, how is that not better than a husband! 
I will wait and let God do it for me and if a man is part of "it" than I will be happy not happier but just the same 'ole happy that Jesus makes me everyday!

Just that Name

"When I wake up in the Land of Glory

And with the saints I will tell my story

There will be one Name that I proclaim"

The Only Name by Big Daddy Weave

I am so amazed at God's love for me. Seven months ago I graduated from the University of Oklahoma and thought I would be moving to California at the end of the summer. God has directed my life to a different path and I couldn't be more grateful. I am so happy to say that I am now a Staff Professional at Terracon Consulting in Dallas. After months and months of applying and searching for a job God has given me one that I am very excited about. Thank you to all those prayer warriors out there that prayed with me through these last few months. I am very grateful!!

I am just in awe of the faithfulness of my God. Like it says in Luke 16 "Whoever can be trusted with little can also much trusted with much..." I have seen this become reality in my own life. I have not been perfect by any means but have just tired my best to honor and glorify The Lord with my life. I believe deciding to stay in Fort Worth (which was only possible by God's grace) was the start of God doing some amazing things. This allowed me to then trust enough to deal with and process through some past hurts. I decided to become a member of a church I didn't think I would come back to. My next step was to make sure I was continuing with my life long training and so I committed to The Antioch Project (a ministry training program through that very same church I became a member of) which I will start in January. I didn't always have the best attitude about my present situation, I was working at Bath and Body Works and living at home (two things that were not on my radar back in May) but I learned more and more what it looks like to live out 1 Corinthians 10:31 with a right attitude.

I have prayed many prayers over the last seven months, not all of them I have gotten an answer for yet but one I have: I prayed that God would give me a job by the end of the year and His timing is perfect December 11, 2013 I got my offer letter. It is so amazing to see the God of the Universe work in our small lives and give us our hearts desires. He could have waiting until January 1st to give me a job and He still would have been praised.

I truly believe that my new job is a blessing and reward from Jesus for being faithful, available and teachable! I knew that staying positive and trusting who was in control of my life was going to be better in eternity than worrying and doubting the place God had me in.

There is only one name that I can give all the praise to for helping me through these last seven months and that is Jesus Christ. I am so incredibly blessed and can not wait to start my new job!!

11-08-1989

God has done some really wonderful and unexpected things in my 23rd year. There is so much to be thankful for. 

I helped to present my capstone project at the end of April

Attended college with my sister for one year

Learned how to and how not to resolve conflict

I survived and graduated from college in May

I made some really hard decisions about where to live

I worked retail with a college degree

I became a member of my church and got more involved

Moved back in with my parents

Attended my first Hope Global Network Wisdom Conference

And I could probably go on and on.

I am extremely grateful to be given another year of life to glorify my Creator and love those around me that He places in my path. Thank you everyone for celebrating and loving me in return.

I am Blessed

Make the Choice

"He produces the change, but we must make the choice (pg 23)." 

From Changing Your Thought Patterns by George Sanchez

This 27 page pamphlet is an amazing tool in learning how to "be transformed be the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:2). It was given to me during my first Growth Group meeting this last Monday. This semester we are going to be talking about Defeating the Enemy Within and the first place we started was with our thoughts. 

Sanchez talks about how we as Christians resort to prayer when would like to change our attitude hoping that enough prayer will cause the change. He says "After we pray, somehow something is suppose to happen and our attitudes change. We may not say it that way, but there is the implication that some mystical process takes place and attitudes change when a person reads the Bible or prays (pg 7)." 

I am really humbled in reading this because I am guilty as all get out of this. I have come before The Lord with something that I want to make a change in... a habit or desire as well as my thoughts and I pray. I ask Jesus for the ability to make these things different but there have been times when I do not take the responsibility that I need to in order to make the change occur in my life.

This little book has given me a different way to think about thought replacement. Sanchez uses the illustration of putting up a dam to not just stop the old thought patterns but to then redirect them. "We should not just suppress thoughts, we should redirect them. We should change negative thought patterns into positive thought patterns (pg 10-11)." An example from Ephesians 4 is given, how does a thief stop being a thief... the thief is instructed to get a job and earn money honestly then also give to others in need.

To change these thoughts patterns we must do two things:

1) We must build the dam (refuse to allow wrong thoughts)

2) We must redirect the flow (develop a new way of thinking)

I can go to God in meditation and fervent prayer with everything I want to change but if I am not going to make it a matter of the will and act on these desires to change my thoughts then what good will come of it?? I need to be doing what I know is right and making good choices so that God (the power source) will energizes me to act out these right choices. 

God has called his children to "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8 (NLT) and when God says his children are to do something, it is never a question of "can't" but "won't." I have dealt with this over and over again in my life. I can't love this person because of what they have done to me... I can't forgive that... I can't change who I am... "The issue is not "can't" but "won't" (pg 19)." I am completely guilty of this! I sometimes won't make the right choices that will lead to a change in my thought patterns even though I have the power source living inside me to do so. 

Are you not only taking your thoughts captive but also developing a new way of thinking to replace them?? 

If you have never read Changing you Thought Patterns by George Sanchez you can get a copy from navpress.com and check it out for yourself!!

My Words

I enjoy the Internet!

Facetime and Skype are the greatest inventions!

I love blogging (even though I have not been keeping up lately)

I am a fan of Facebook!

I enjoy using Instagram!

I say all of this because of the connection that these avenues give you to others. I have friends overseas, on the west coast, and everywhere in between. All of these help us know and see those people who are not just a phone call or car ride away. I am able to keep them as a part of my life because there are now faster ways to do so. I still think snail mail and fun messages are great but I like seeing and hearing my friends.  

On the Dashboard page of my blog there is a place to look at your pageviews stats. Since I started my blog a few years ago it has been viewed by someone outside of the United States OVER 300 TIMES! Now in the grand scheme of things that is not a lot and compared to other people that might be minuscule but I thought it was so fun! Some of these people I know, some of them I have no idea but it is just the thought that my blog has made it across the world is SO fun!

There are people in Russia who have looked at my blog over 100 times, in Germany over 80 times, my friends in Cambodia have seen it and as well as many other countries. This is not a huge revelation but it is just amazing to think of the people I am reaching with my words!

Fort Worth

So much has changed for me over the last two months and I want to share that with you all. This is an entry from my journal on June 15th.

I have been in Fort Worth for 34 days and besides still living with my parents and not having an engineering job it is starting to feel normal (in the community sense). I am babysitting for different families, spending time with friends, serving at Hope and involved in a Growth Group . For the time being I live here... I am getting comfortable here and there is a part of me that could see myself staying here (weird thought). Lord, I need your guidance, if the enemy is trying to distact me from what you want for me I pray in the name of Jesus Christ that you wil bind him and remove those unhelpful thoughts. I just ask that you continue to point me in the right direction. Amen.

This was a huge revelation for me. I had made the decision back in February that I was moving to California. I didn't want to live in Fort Worth again. When I left after high school I never thought I would be back. Why was this even a thought? What is God trying to say to me? I wasn't really sure what to do with this new thought that Fort Worth really is an option for me. But for some reason I could not shake it. I made time to talk with two older ladies at Hope that could help me process through as well as one of my best friends. I was given a lot of great things to think through: What was the motivation for going out to Cali, what emotions would I be taking out to Cali, Do I need to stay?? 

I have never thought of moving out to California in a "negative" light... Not that is was a bad thing but just that Fort Worth might have different things to offer me than I thought. I prayed, process and finally realized that I had some things that I needed to work on here in Fort Worth before I went out and I could get some amazing training opportunities while at Hope Church. So with The Lord's leading I made the decision to stay in Fort Worth instead! I could go on and on into the things that that went into the decision but all that I really need to say is that Jesus wants me here and He is going to do different things in my life, hard good things, that I would not have been able to experience.

Now that is has been a few months since this whole ball got rolling, I am so grateful that I am here. I still do not have an engineering job but I have become a member of Hope Church, in charge of planning a kids event, joined a fall growth group, made some great new friends, learned more and more how to walk with God and trust Him in all circumstances. I am so thankful and amazed by the love and grace of Jesus!!

Limbo

This stage of life... this limbo... Has its positives and of course its hard times. I have a lot to be thankful for right now and I am content with different areas (friends, Hope, free time) but there are more things that I am not content in (living area, job, relationships, money, free time). There is so much that I honestly just don't like thinking about and dealing with even though I have a responsibility to make things happen. Issues that I have not dealt with, that I don't even know how or where to start on at all. I am here in Fort Worth and I know this is right but what am I learning? What is God trying to teach me? So much has happened over the last few weeks... I am not going to California anymore! So what am I doing?? 

That is a good question!

I am not really.... Well...

I am learning to trust God

I am working on contentment

I am working in the nursery at Hope Church

I am working through some different areas of life

I am working at Bath and Body Works

I am living with my Parents

I am helping plan a Hope Church girls event

I am making friends

I am looking for career jobs

That is not doing nothing, all of that is something! 

These are not the things I thought I would be doing if you asked me back in the spring but they are things that are bringing me closer to knowing The Lord and who He is in my life and who I am in Him.

Half Way There

July First marks half way through the year 2013. 

How crazy is it that we are here already. 

I was just thinking about my goals and how I have done on them so far.

Sadly it is not as positive as I would like. 

1. I was not a diligent on this one once capstone started taking over my life. I have read maybe seven books so far. 

2. I have been trying one this one... I think I am doing better but it is hard when you are both very busy.

3. Unfortunately I am not even sure where this one is due to my move.

4. Finally... Check this one off

5 & 6. I have just failed at so far.

7. Do thank you notes count???

8. Check (kinda)

9. Not even one... Sorry for all the birthdays I have missed!!

10. Check... I am heading to the Gentlemen of the Road Tour in September

This year been really crazy so far! What is the second half of it going to hold!

College = Done

I walked across the stage tonight and finished my 5 year college journey. How weird is that! I am a college graduate and an environmental engineer. I never have to sit in another lecture, worry about studying for finals, go to a lab class, etc again. Why does this feel so unreal then? Why do I feel like I am not ready for this? All I have wanted was to be done with school and now it is here and I don't want it. I am going to miss Norman. I am going to miss the Duffy house. I am going to miss EP. I am going to miss my environmental family and all the friends I have made.

All I can sit here and think about is... Did I make a difference? At the senior recognition dinner for the BSU someone always gives a speech about leaving a legacy on campus and looking back on the people you have impacted. So I sit here and wonder... who did I impact for the Kingdom, who did I help, who is going to remember me as an important person in their life? I can't rattle off name after name of those people but there are many people that have come into my life over the last five years and my prayer is that I have encouraged them, shown grace, and loved them like Jesus. I believe that The Lord used me in ways that I don't even know. So as I leave this town tomorrow as my home and someday return as a visitor I know I have made a difference.

College has been amazing and I am so grateful for the good, the bad, and the ugly that has built me into the women of God I am today. I have learned so much inside and outside the classroom. I have made some of my best friends over the last five years, I have gotten my hear hurt and my ego bruised but I have also learned to heal, I have made colossal mistakes but also sought out forgiveness when needed, I have learned voice control, I have learned that a good long cry is OK, I have learned that asking for help does not make you weak and that Jesus Christ is the only constant in my life. I am so thankful for the different things that The Lord has put in my life and I would not change anything! 

I am not positive of every aspect my future holds. I know 7 things leaving college:

1. I am not the same person I was entering college five years ago

2. I will finally NEED a car

3. God has been faithful to meet me where I am 

4. I am scared

5. I am going to move to California

6. I am excited for what is to come and the next steps Jesus and I will take together

7. I do not have a job yet and will have to work my butt off to get one!

Exhausted

It is 5:42 in the morning and I am up! WHAT THE HECK??? 
Capstone really has messed up my sleeping patterns.
Exhausted does not even begin to cover how I have been feeling... 
With no sleep comes a whirlwind of emotions. 
I don't know if I can sum up the amount of things I am feeling at this point in my life.

20 Days...

TWENTY DAYS!! 
What can you do in 20 days?

In the next 20 days I will be giving two presentations (for capstone), taking one last math test and two finals, packing up my belongings, hosting a bridal shower, graduating from the University of Oklahoma and moving on to the next chapter of this thing called life.

I am ready to be done but I do not feel ready for the change. 
I think about all the things that will be different and I get excited and nervous at the same time. I do not know what it is going to be like back in Fort Worth, or how long I will be there. I do not know a lot after May 11, 2013. Up until this point in my life I have always known what comes next. I knew after high school I was going to OU, after sophomore year I was going to Project, after Cambodia I had three more semesters left. 

But after college is a whole other story. I know where I want to end up but I do not know details. I do not know the journey that I will take to get to the end. 

I guess I have never known the journey... If I really think about it when I came to OU I had no idea what would happen over the next four years (which turned into five... something I did not anticipate my freshman year). I could not have even guessed that I would go through some of the ups and downs I have over the last five years, but when you choose a path you do not choose because you know. 

I make the choices that I do not because the journey is laid out for me, but because I know who is guiding me along the path. I did not decide to come to OU, spend my summer is Denver or my Christmas break in Cambodia based on what I knew would happen but solely on the fact that I knew it was the next thing the Lord had on my journey. 

As I start packing and getting ready to leave Norman in the next 20 days I putting one foot in front of the other on the journey that the Lord continues to have me on. 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plan I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

My future is coming in 20 days and I must remember to be excited for this part of the journey because it has been set in place by the one who knows the plans of my life!!!

Two Weeks...

I never wanted to forget, I was different than before. I had changed. The Lord had changed me. I knew this was the path I wanted to be on, I was suppose to be on. I was going to go back, someday. 

But I have forgotten... Sadly! I have forgotten the names and faces and stories of those I got to know over those two weeks. 

I went to Bangkok, Thailand for two weeks after my senior year of high school and it completely changed how I saw my relationship with The Lord, myself and the world. I was two month away from heading off to college and I wanted to start the next chapter of my life with a bang. I had made a conscience decision to take my relationship with The Lord more serious and this trip was going to help. 

Now I can not sit here and say that my motives for going on this trip were all pure but nonetheless God still worked, and I am so grateful that he did. This trip helped shape the course of my college career not just in my Faith but also in the classroom. 

It was because I got to see a third world country and experience what it is like to not be able to drink water out of the tap for fear of what it will do to you (always having to pay for a bottle of water gets expensive), that I chose environmental engineering as my major. I wanted to get a degree that would allow me to go back and help those who did not have the things that I had/have taken for granted (clean water and sanitation).

I got to college and had never felt so forgiven and loved before. I had many things that I had to work through with The Lord's help but I was ready to tackle them. I knew that I was never alone. I was able to look back on the years between making the decision to follow God in the 5th grade and my Senior year and see how Jesus was with me, how He protected me, how He guided me, how He loved me even when I did not understand or acknowledge Him. 

This summer will be five years since I returned from that life changing trip and I have forgotten. It seems like it has been a life time since I left my family and traveled all the way across the world for the first time. 

I think having been overseas since that summer played a part. I went to Cambodia. Just stepping into the airport. Getting a smell of the country was familiar and reminded me of my first time to Southeast Asia but I still couldn't "remember." The smell could not bring back the names and the precise growth that the Lord did in me.

This might come as a huge shocker to some of you but I had kept up with a journal at this point in my life. It is sad that I do not have a lot written down about what the Lord was doing in me and the things that happened while I was in Thailand. I only have pictures to capture the moments, which is great, don't get me wrong!

The song below is a song one of dear friends told me about my freshman year of college. I was (what felt like) on top of the world and this song by Caedmon's Call really hit home for me. I had just gotten back from a overseas trip. I left my heart there. I wanted to bring clean water to others. I even changed the lyrics when I sang it and instead of Africa, I sang Thailand!!

I wanted this song to be a reminder for me. I heard this song today for the first time in a good two years and it was a reminder. A reminder of what I didn't remember. 

Johannesburg to Capetown,
the plane had barely touched down.
She was taking photo for friends back home. 
This was always where she felt her heart belonged.
She was finally here,
the sky bright and clear

(Two weeks....)
And we all can feel the calling.
(Two weeks....)
to make the world a little smaller.
And so a girl got on a plane,
for two weeks in Africa [Thailand].

Johannesburg to Houston,
she came home on a mountain.
But school was starting, things kept moving on.
Before she knew it, seven years had gone.
She found a picture of her,
standing, smiling,
arms around the starving kids.
She swore not to forget,
she swore not to forget...

(Two weeks....)
And we all can feel the calling.
(Two weeks....)
to make the world a little smaller.
And so a girl got on a plane,
for two weeks in Africa [Thailand].

And if we follow our dear sun
to where the stars are not familiar.
Faces turn to numbers,
numbers fall like manna from the sky.
Why, oh why?
Oh Father, why?

One village in Malawi now has water running pure and clean.
One church alive in Kenya's full of truth and love and medicine.
We put the walls up, but Jesus keeps them standing.
He doesn't need us, but He lets us put our hands in.
So we can see, His love is bigger than you and me.

(Two weeks....)
And we all can feel the calling.
(Two weeks....)
to make the world a little smaller.
And so a girl got on a plane,
for two weeks in Africa [Thailand].

I am so thankful for the experience that I had in Thailand and the lessons The Lord taught me and the woman He grew me into through that time. I do not write this as a "pity party" post. But to say, it is easy to forget and move on from the things that shape you, make you who you are. Do what you can to keep those memories in your mind, allow The Lord to continue to use those experiences to shape who you are in Him even if it is has been seven years. I know I want to!! You have to allow him to!!

Philippians 1:6 says "Being confident of this, that he who been a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Forsaken

"Christ was truly forsaken (deserted or abandoned) so I would not have to be."

Matthew 27:45-56 (The Death of Jesus)

From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). When some of those standing there heard this, they said, "He's calling Elijah." Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus to drink. The rest said, "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to save him." 
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had dies were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus' resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people. When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, there were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"
Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joseph, and the mother of Zebedee's sons.

Philippians 1:3

Oh man!! How do I even begin to write about my spring break!?! Well my dear friend Nikki and I flew out to California for our last spring break ever (well mine at least, she is going to be a teacher so she has many more on her horizon) to visit our bestest friends Lindsay and Sammi.

I am so grateful for these girls and the role they have played in my life over the last five years! This was my most refreshing spring break and a awesome change from the last five years where I have gone with the BSU (which were so good but those trips are ones where you need a  vacation from your vacation). I had an relaxing time, even though the 2 hour time difference  was a challenge (wanting to go to bed at 8 pm and waking up at 6:30 am, not normal!!).        

  

There was a combination of crazy and chill! Sammi and Linds graduated last May so they actually have jobs right now and thankfully were able to work around us being there which was great!! We were able to do a lot while we were there. We visited Linds at work a couple times, went shopping, applied for jobs, went to Huntington Beach one day, we helped Church in the Valley get things ready for their Easter egg hunt, watch a movie, went to Dana Pointe and the beach again, sing with noise cancelling headphones (a lot more entertaining then one would think). We ate at In and Out, Islands, Ruby’s, P.F. Changs, and a lot of Pinkberry, as well as cooking meals at home!

            

We might not talk to each other everyday like in the past, or sleep in the same tri-suite like freshman year but we have gone through a lot of life together over the past five years… failure, success, life, death, weddings, break-ups, happiness, sadness, conflict resolution, graduation and whatever the future holds. I know that these ladies are going to be there for me for a long time and I am excited to continue going through life together.

Philippians 1:3 says “I thank my God every time I remember you.”

I Couldn't Do It

How do people do it? 

How to those who are not following Jesus do "it"?

Make life decisions... get married... choose a career...

How do they make it?

I have been watching wayyyy too much Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, and yes I know these are not real people, but episode after episode I think "How do they go each day not having Jesus helping them through these crazy situations?"

The episodes and the characters may not be real but what they are portraying is. There are millions upon millions of people in this world who are going every day without knowing what a relationship with Christ is like. They get married without laboring in praying over "is this is the guy for me," they decide what to do after they get their undergrad without asking Him first, they live life without ever reading one bit of Scripture to help point them in the right direction. That just blows my mind... 

I don't know what has made me think this way but all I know is that if I didn't have Jesus to guide me through life and help me make the "hard decisions" I don't think I would be able to make it. I couldn't do it... Call me weak, call me narrow minded, call me whatever but I never want to know what that situation feels like. 

Now I have been far away from the Lord and done a lot of life on my terms without Him so I think I have a glimpse as to what it would take because I did it this way... a lot of counsel from those you think have it together, a lot of "what is your heart telling you", a lot of "I hope this is going to work out," etc. But I am so thankful that He has always been by my side since I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior in the fifth grade! I have failed Him many, many times but I have never gone through life not knowing who I could turn to when I didn't know which way to go, or what choice to make etc. 

God Continues...

God continues to kick my butt... As a follower of Jesus Christ I can always count on Him to get my attention and show me which way to go, what I am suppose to do, what I am not suppose to do and when I am plain wrong. 
Usually for me when I am not obeying him, he has to let me know more than once because I can be very hard-headed.

This is one of those "plain wrong" times. 
With some of the situations that have happened this school year, I have really taken the wrong outlook. Honestly, I have just held things in and let myself get bitter. Not a very fun characteristic but it is only my doing. I was mad and instead of talking things through and processing through my feelings I just shut up. This year these actions have usually resulted in me taking it out on my sister (because she "always" has to love me). 

Over the last month God has used Scripture, sermons, and conversations to try and get me to see that I was being unfair and plain wrong in my unwillingness to forgive. And it worked in the moment, I would be reminded of my sin and look to change. All good in theory but once I got around the person I was mad at or other people who would be willing to hear me gossip I was right back there.

It took me going all the way out to California for Spring Break for my to turn my heart towards what God had been trying to say for what seems like forever. I went to a small group with my very good friend Lindsay and the topic was forgiveness... What a shocker, just what I needed to hear!! This small group consisted of four older women, all married then Linds and I. We just dove right in. I felt so comfortable and just opened up my heart to these ladies that I just meet (having a relationship with Jesus in common can do that to you). I started telling them how I was struggling to forgive those who had not asked for and getting bitter towards them because of it and how God has been showing me over and over what I needed to do and me blatantly refusing to deal with it in the right way. I talked way more than I should have being the guest haha. They were so encouraging, and let me in. 

A few things I pierced my heart that night and help me turn towards forgiveness:
A quote from Corrie ten Boom "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart."
No erase only God's grace.
I must figure out what I think they rob me of, work on forgiving from there.

I was hit like a hammer, finally, I was going to allow the Holy Spirit to work. I had seen my anger and unforgiving heart spill over into other areas of my life (how I spent my time, my thought life etc) and other relationships (ones that had not done anything to wrong me i.e. my sister). I wanted to change that and work towards imitating Christ and the Holy Spirit was going to have to help me do that. 

I know that the Holy Spirit is going to have to help me each day forgive (maybe even each hour, it is not a one time thing) and change my bitter heart because I can not do it on my own. I have not done it on my own. Just another part of the daily journey with Jesus and I am extremely grateful to be on it!! 

Wake up Call

Man have I been foolish!!
He got my attention. What have I been doing?
What have I not been doing, is the better question.
Trusting The Lord
Not having fear in the future
Relying on His word and love
Praying for His grace and guidence
Staying in the here and now
I have been letting the lies and fear control me.
I got a wake up call on Tuesday from a wise woman, who I respect very much. The Lord used this conversation to really convict me of the way I was getting through life... ON MY OWN.
She shared Psalm 37:3-5 (NASB)

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it."

I can not do life on my own and I was foolish to try it that way. The Lord knew where I was and gave me exactly what I needed... a wake up call. I trust the He is going to do good in my life. I am so thankful that God has place people in my life who are going to push me and challenge me!! I will trust in the Lord and dwell in my last few months in college and continue to cultivate faithfulness!! 
Everyone is given that same opportunity if they let go and let the Lord take control. Try it, it will be the best decision you ever made!!

Weekend

I just want to share about my weekend!
This last week I just dropped the ball in school... I forgot about assignments and didn't do so hot on a test... I was not motivated at all.

Why do you ask am I struggling in school already?

Simple, I am ready to be done already!!

I have not been in the school mindset and I am reaping what I have sown so far. I just don't want to except what is going to come in the next few months.

Already a month into school and I needed a break.. and thank the Lord I got it. This weekend Caitlin and I took a last minute trip HOME! It was a great relaxing weekend away from a messy Martha, campus, homework and all that comes with being in Norman.
Even though I was still asked at least 5 times what my future holds, didn't get the best nights sleep ever and had to hear from my Daddy about "getting my resume out there" I had a great weekend. 
Caitlin and I surprised everyone by coming home (which they say they had their suspicions about) but we still got them I think. Saturday we got to have some Humphrey Family Fun! All six of us took an archery lesson together out in Plano, TX. It was a really cool experience and we all want to go back again!!!

Right after we went to the range, I had an unexpected visit with my best friend and my God-daughter. Besides seeing family, this was probably my favorite part of the weekend. I had no idea when I headed down on Friday that she was going to be in town and I am so thankful that I got to see them in person (it had been since Thanksgiving). Addison has gotten so big!!

 

Addi even gave me kisses! Which was so fun, seeing as she doesn't really know me haha! I am so glad for fun surprises from the Lord like these!

Oh and I GOT A CHEESEHEAD!! Finally I have my own chessehead! My dad went up to Green Bay for my Grandpa's 80th birthday and he brought the whole family back their own!

 

 

It was a fun one, to help get my mind back in the game and remind me to press on towards the goal of graduation. I am thankful for a family and friends that loves me and give me the push I need!!

 

Paul says it really well to the Philippians:

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

 



Freedom

free·dom

[free-duh m]

noun

1. the state of being exempt from external authority, or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint

  

In a "free" country what does having freedom look like to me? Do I really understand that I am free... in Christ?

The Lord has brought this concept and this word across my path on several different occasions in the last month.
 

My pastor and I got together on a Thursday in the middle of January, to sift through my future plans. This was the first time I heard it and this is what he said to me:

I have freedom to make a decision.

"I can plan but it only happens because God allows; fight against the myth of control, it is my job to be free."

My decision in May 2013 might not be my decision in November 2013 or February 2014. I am not deciding the rest of my life.

 

Three days later at church Andy spoke about Galatians 5, which the title of first 15 verses is "Freedom in Christ."

He said that freedom is getting to fulfill our desires.

He asked the question at the very end of the service: What would it look like in my life it I were free?

Hearing this immediately brought me back to the conversation we had prior.

 

Two weeks later at Paradigm Church, Nick Cooper was talking about Greatness. He talked about being staying on the path that is marked out for me and the fact that:

 Freedom does not equal Chaos and Order does not equal Bad. If I stay on the path I am free and freedom brings God glory.

I just lost it. I have never felt so defeating in my thinking before. I told myself "I need to stop thinking about my choices needing to be perfect. God has given me freedom in him to stay in Norman, go to Fort Worth, or even trek out to Cali."

 

Last night at ReGroup I approached Andy about this concept again. I said that I was just having a hard time wrapping my mind around picking one and it ending up ok.

Again he told me that I just need to pick. He told me that if one of my options were not wise he would have let me know. He reminded me that the worst thing that can happen is I figure out it wasn't the right thing and I make a change from there.

 

I have had the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that I can choose. Maybe I am just not trusting myself enough. Trusting who I am in God and how he has shaped me over the last 23 years, to allow me to make this kind of decision and make a good one.

It is not like God has never given me opportunities like this to trust Him before. My sophomore year, I chose between Project Impact in Cali or Denver (which once I decided on Denver I knew it was right). This past summer I had to choose between Cambo or Israel (and I got neither).

 

I can say I think this decision is so much harder for me because it is my future. After going to Devner, I still had school. Same with this past summer, I still had another year of classes left. I was not changing the course of my life in those decisions. But the one thing I keep coming back to is TRUST!

Am I going to trust that I can not mess up what the Lord has for me? He is bigger than any decision I make or am going to make. Am I going to trust that His will is better then anything I could come up with on my own?

 

 

Galatains 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

 

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." 

Quitting

The basketball team in the eighth grade... The only thing I can remember quiting in life... until now. I hated basketball! I did not excel at it. My coach was an ex-Green Bay Packers lineman (Just imagine how much bigger he looks to a middle schooler, he was a scary man) and I was glad to be done with it when I quit.

This the same feeling I have now. I just put in my two weeks at the Alumni Outreach Program. I have been with this program for over two years and I am finally leaving. Now there are many things that have gone into this...  but this most prevalent factor is... I am in my last semester of school which starts CAPSTONE... dun dun dun!!
Since our team dove into the first round of papers in our second day of class I have spent over 25 hours working on capstone already, which to me means it is not going to get any lighter. Hence no more job!

It is such a relief and I have a peace about it! I know this is what the Lord wants from me. I now have the freedom to go home on the weekends and hang out with friends in the evenings. I am blessed that this semester I do not have to work and I can just focus on school, family and friends!!

It is going to be fun and challenging to see how I use this new found time wisely and to honor the Lord. I just hope I can be productive with it and not waste the free time that I have now!! Pray for me in that, please! 

Recap

2012. What a year!!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

One of my life verses, continues to ring true with each stage of life I go through. This last month and a half have grown me more than most times in my life. I am not saying I handled everything right, what I am saying is that the Lord is doing a work in me.
I have learned (am still learning) about meekness, holding my tongue, making good decisions, how to love others, trusting the Lord, and just what it means to be Christ-like. Each adventure the Lord brought my way in 2012 taught me something about being more like Him and loving people! Not all of them were fun to go through but they were all worth it.

 

 

I spent the beginning of 2012 across the world in another country. Learning some amazing lesson of faith and love. I was reminded that God is the same here and there and that He is working, even without me, to save the souls of my friends. I am so grateful for this experience and absolutely love the people that I got to share it with!

 

After coming back from overseas I had to turn around and make a decision for my summer plans. Was I was going to go overseas again with the same organization or branch out on my own and try to go back to the same country. I really struggled in making the wisest decision. I was afraid that I was going to miss God's best for me. This started a month long endeavor of seeking council, praying and really just trusting that God was going to help me decide.

 

I was honored with being a bridesmaid in one of my best friend's wedding as well as being apart of my roommate's wedding day!! I got to really see all that goes into planning and making one special day happen (I was clueless before Nikki and Alyssa got hitched). It was an honor to see God be glorified on each of their days and I am excited as they each get to celebrate their one year in 2013. I know from watching these ladies what I want my future marriage to entail!!

 

I also had the privilege of serving a dear friend, Mrs. Mace at her wedding in December. She has loved me and challenged me over the last three years in my relationships with others as well as my relationship with the Lord and I am so excited that the Lord has given her a man!!

All these ladies have been a great example to me in how to honor God and keep Christ the center of a relationship, in the good and even the hardships. I am so thankful that I can call these ladies my friends.

 

 

 

 

So I already talked about having to decide what my summer was going to look like and man I had no idea what the Lord really had planned for me. I ended up staying in Norman for the summer, training for a new supervisor position. THIS WAS NO WHERE CLOSE TO GOING OVERSEAS LIKE I HAD PLANNED. God used this summer to allow me to make new relationship with my co-workers and really just love them. I am so grateful and now that it is 2013 I am still seeing the benefits of staying in America!!

 

There were other benefits to staying in America over the summer. With my co-workers I got to run in a Color Me Rad 5K, which we did not actually run but had a blast walking, talking, and getting blasted with color. We went to get food afterwards at IHOP and it was a hoot seeing the look on people's faces when we walked in!

We were a mess and a half!! I most definitely want to do this race again at some point in my life!

 

One of the biggest adventures of the summer was getting to go to Budapest, Hungary with my Daddy. I wish I would have written an individual post about it back in July but I didn't so here is a little taste of what we got to do. First off, we walked everywhere which was great because we got to see all the sights as we went but also rough because we were not use to it haha. We actually met a couple from Fort Worth, TX while we were at lunch one day. It is so true when people say it's a small world.

We went to Parliament, the Chain Bridge and many other places that I am drawing a blank on the names!! It is such a blessing that my dad does what he does (working with Edward Jones) and that he has the opportunity to go overseas and take his daughter with him!! While I was there I fell in love with all the amazing doors and took way too many pictures!! It was an amazing experience. I am glad I got to go with my Daddy!

 

School started back in August for my last year of college and I got to be there for Caitlin's first day at OU which was so fun! She transferred up to OU from Fort Worth and we live together. It is so fun to get to do life with my Sissy. We are sisters which entails not always getting along but I love her none-the-less and I am so thankful that she is here with me. Watching her grow in her relationship with the Lord, making it her own, and help her through life when she asks (and sometime when she doesn't) has been a privilege up to this point! She is a lovely woman of God!

At the end of fall semester I got to see one of my best friends graduate from the College of Education, while another was making plans to go live overseas for two years. I am thankful to call these girls my heart-friends and I am so excited to see what the Lord does in and through both of these girls as they move on to two very different stages of life. They are a great example of what it means to trust the Lord and I am constantly looking to them as Godly examples!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I am so grateful for all the new friends I have also made this year. I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to grow those friendships in 2013. I know some of these friendship are going to bloom while others will fade but I know that each person was brought into my life for a reason and they are all going to teach me something whether I know it or not. In 2013 I need to remember to thank my Lord for each of these people. They are blessing to me whether I see it now or not.

My Fun Fact for 2012: CATAN is SO fun!! Became just a little... ok A LOT obsessed with this game. My sissy and I were even able to get our family to buy it as a Christmas present so that all six of us could play it together!! We came home one day BEFORE Christmas to find that Dad had already set it up for Caitlin and I to help them learn how to play! It was SO fun!

These are just a few of the things that God brought into my life in 2012. Now that 2013 is underway, what things are going to come my way!!?? Lets go Lord!